Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
whose parrot is this?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
