After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
