id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
