like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
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I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
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Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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