In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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