My liver just broke up with me...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
