there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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