It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
