My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Two words: blizzard sex
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
