dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
