I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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