dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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