you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
