Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
