I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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