my phone needs a breathalizer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
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Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
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sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize