my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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