Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
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BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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