If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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