did you get engaged???
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
