What did we do last night that was yellow?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
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the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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