Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
