I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
