just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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