i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
