I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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