all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
