as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
