did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
