the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
