My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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