True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
