I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
