oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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