If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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