420 ftw
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
