I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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