Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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