I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
