I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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