next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
