You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
