By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
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