He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
