She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize