party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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