in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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