I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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