my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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