I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
