Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
