I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
