finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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