The beer is more important than you right now.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
