just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
