i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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